I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
