I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I love having hate sex.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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