What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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