dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
