my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
