really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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