i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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