I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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