I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
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