so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
