you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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