I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
