when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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