i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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