New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
