I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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