who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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