i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
