i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
