How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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