My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
