If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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