His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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