I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
