hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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