Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
