Little spoons don't ask big questions
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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