Just fell off a train. Bad.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
