What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
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also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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