my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
