Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
