since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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