I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
