Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
