I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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