My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
