When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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