i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
