A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
