sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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