He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Randomize
