Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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