dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
