I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
