We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
