wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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