now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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