pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
40s are totally the cure
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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