Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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