Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
