what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
