Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
