she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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