I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
