You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
