ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
