my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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