im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
