so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
