Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you win again, gameday.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
