I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Randomize
